Mixing Up The Pieces
by Ellixer
Summary: Part 4 of my pieces series. Keep reading.
1. Chapter 1

Mixing Up The Pieces

Peace. That's what I feel, no, it's more than that. There's no pain, no anger, no sorrow. I'm lost in the tranquility of the space that seems to occupy me; I don't occupy it. It's just Xena and I, sitting in a field of poppies. She looks different somehow, I can't quite put my finger on it.

'Gabrielle.' Her voice is different; so much lighter than it used to be.

'Xena, where are we?'

'Elysian fields?' She's not sure either but I get the point.

'What happened?' I should be sad that we've died, but I'm not.

'Caesar crucified us.' Her finger tips reach out and graze my cheek. She seems lost in the very act of touching me. I can't remember what happened, and a part of me knows I should be asking questions; I just can't be bothered.

'I'm sorry I took you away from your son.' There's sadness in her voice. Despite the great tranquility that must be seeping into her veins, she still holds onto guilt and remorse.

'I should be sad shouldn't I?' She doesn't answer as her fingers continue to trace across my jawline.

'Don't get too comfortable girls.' Hades walks up to us from out of nowhere. Xena sighs heavily.

'What is it this time?' Her eyes fall as her fingers drop from their gentle exploration of my cheek.

'This wasn't supposed to happen. Ares interference has caused an outcome that the Fates are not happy with.'

'What does that mean?' I don't want to leave this peacefulness.

'That means you two are going back.'

'And what about Ares?' Xena asks, her eyes catching mine.

'He won't be bothering you for a while. Father was not happy.' He chuckles to himself.

'And the catch?' Xena asks, giving him a glare. He smiles widely at her.

'That, you find out later. Oh, and don't worry about Caesar, he was his own downfall.' He turns with a smirk and walks away.

'Xena, we're going back?' She merely nods at me. 'I don't think I want to.'

'I don't want to either sweetheart.' I smile at her little term of affection.

'What's going to happen to us?'

'I honestly don't know.' I throw my arms around her body and cling to her for dear life.

'We'll still be together won't we?'

'Of course.' She responds as if it's a completely ludicrous question.

Is time passing us right now? Here there is no concept of the passing of anything, it just is. We're going back to a world so full of turmoil and chaos and another chance to die painfully. My son, he needs me I know that.

'Hold on to me.' She whispers in my ear. Suddenly I feel like we're slowly falling through a void of darkness. I squeeze my eyes shut as the feeling of total tranquility slowly drains from my body. It feels like an eternity and it feels like a few seconds; but eventually I feel ground beneath me once again.

I sit up, gasping for air that I didn't realize I had missed. It's dark, but a moon shines right above my head, blanketing me in soft light. Was I dreaming? Looking around I find I'm by myself but my body is crusted in dried blood. Is this mine? I don't see Xena, and I don't even think im in the camp. I was dreaming right? But this blood, and ow….

Lifting my hands to my eyes, I see the marks my palms bare. My whole body hurts, as if it is one big bruise. This wasn't a dream was it? There's a rustle behind me as Xena appears from out of the dark depths of the trees. I make a slow ascent to my feet, my eyes never leaving her beautiful form.

'Xena?'

'It's over.' I'm confused by this statement.

'What?' It hurts to move but I manage a slow shuffle forward. Xena stands still, unmoving as she watches me.

'I'm ready to go home.'

'Just like that?' Her face twists in confusion.

'Do you remember anything?' I remember that she left me.

'What happened?' I ask, surveying my own body once again.

'Ares gave you to Caesar. He was trying to use you as a way to get me back.'

'We died?' I ask but I know that we did.

'Yes.'

'So you didn't take his offer?'

'No.' There's a faint remembrance of the peace and tranquility that I felt as we sat in the Elysian fields.

'Where are we?'

'Not far from where the Roman camp was.' I suddenly feel exhausted, the need to sleep is overwhelming.

'It's never really over is it?'

'With Caesar it is.' She's only validating my fears.

'Xena… I'm not your home; I'm not your salvation anymore. I never was.' She finally moves towards me, grasping me by my biceps.

'Don't say that, don't ever say that.' Rage burns in her eyes, her grip getting painfully tight. 'Everything that has happened to you is because of me. You've suffered enough because of me. But I can't leave you. You are my family Gabrielle.' Her voice softens to barely a whisper.

'Xena….' I don't know what to say to her. For once, words refuse to come to me. Sigh. 'Can we go home now?' I miss my son, and I feel guilty for having left him in the first place.

'Gabrielle I..'

'No.' I cut her off. Now is not the time for this, or maybe it is but I'm just too tired. 'Can we just find some place where I can clean myself up?' I look up at her, my eyes watering of their own free will. Xena nods quietly, letting go of my arms as she turns back towards the trees.

We walk in silence; not touching or even being very close. The moon glows as bright as the sun, lighting the forest up around us. In very little time we arrive at what looks like a small lake. I'm sure the water is freezing but I don't care. I need to wash away everything that has happened.

I delicately strip from my clothes, leaving them on the bank as I gingerly step into the water. It's warmer than I thought it would be, soothing my body as it surrounds me. As I wash away the dried blood I don't find any wounds, but faint scars remain on my palms and feet. Everything hurts despite the lack of wounds. I'm glad I can't remember what exactly happened; I don't think it was particularly good.

I look over to the bank where Xena sits in front of a large fire. She's staring at her own palms, rubbing them as if trying to wipe away the scars. There's an emptiness inside me that I never had before, the loss of peace I yearn to feel again.


	2. Chapter 2

Mixing Up 2

As I emerge from the water Xena's eyes are on me, like she's looking at me for the first time. I stop, clothes in hand, mesmerized by the firelight flickering off her eyes. She moves in slow motion, making her way to me with careful steps.

'Hold me.' She whispers as she comes within inches of me. I do as she asks without hesitation, my things falling back to the earth without another thought. Her leathers feel rough against my bare skin, but I don't mind. There is this energy radiating from her body, a need that is almost palatable. 'Don't leave me.' She chokes down a sob as she pleads in my ear. 'Don't hate me.'

'I could never hate you.' I pull away slightly, taking her face between my hands and forcing her to look at me. 'We've come this far.' Tears fall down her face; sorrow marring her beautiful features. 'Xena, did you feel it? Did you feel the peace?' She takes in a deep breathe, letting it out slowly. I'm getting the feeling she doesn't want to talk about it, I get the feeling she's just as unsettled as I am.

'I wonder sometimes.' She confesses so quietly, it's like she's afraid to speak the words. 'I wonder when you'll get smart and leave.' I don't think she's the only one who has ever wondered that, in fact people have asked me that more times than I can count. It's something I just find so hard to fathom. In the beginning sure, I wanted to learn so much and I wanted to grow separate from her. But somewhere I became so entangled with her that even when she pushes me away, I can't let go.

Reaching down, I grab my clothes and begin stepping back into them. Xena moves back to the other side of the fire; her face has gone stoic and she refuses to look up at me. I wish I knew where our things were; we have no furs and no food, not that I'm hungry.

Xena looks tired; maybe not physically but definitely mentally. Is she just as tired of this constant back and for between good and evil as I am? Maybe she's just tired of the struggle between us; I'm going one way and she's always going another. But why even bother rehashing. Will there always be a distance between us? Does she put it there purposefully, or is it just that she is so truly herself, she can't help but hurt me?

I pass the night with my back to a tree, staring at Xena as she stares at the flames. I feel like I've gotten no sleep, but sometime during the night I passed out from sheer exhaustion. Xena is nowhere to be seen now as the bright sun forces my eyes open.

Slowly I stand, brushing the dirt off though I don't know why. My clothes are still a mess of blood and mud and who knows what else. There's a part of me that wishes I could remember what happened, but really that would only make things worse.

I miss Cle. I miss the peace of waking up in my own bed. For a moment I thought I was safe and away from the battles that has plagued my existence with Xena. Even if Caesar is gone, someone will just replace him. I think a part of Xena needs to have an enemy, someone to focus her hatred on. I've always believed she could be happy. The problem is, I don't think she wants to be happy; and I'm only realizing this now.

'Hungry?' Xena's voice behind me, somewhat lighter than last night,

'Not really.' I can't help but show the pain in my face, so I refuse to turn and look at her.

'I've found our things. Argo was getting worried.' Do I care? No.

'Can we leave then?' I feel like anger is seeping into my words, and I don't mean it to.

'Yeah.'

So we walk through the trees until we come to a road. The silence between us is so thick that it's beginning to choke me.

'Talk to me.' Xena grabs my arm, stopping us in the middle of the road. I look down at her hand then back up at her.

'About?' Her eyes narrow at me.

'Gabrielle, don't do this to me.'

'Do what Xena? The same thing you do to me?' I'm being petty, I know it as the words leave my mouth. She drops my arm, eyes falling as pain crosses her features.

'I'm sorry.'

'You're always sorry.' I sigh. I can see the muscles ripple as she clenches her jaw.

'Yes I am. Too much.' Her eyes shift up to the sky briefly. 'I know I've ruined things between us, but I also know I love you too much to just give up. I want to be the person you think I can be. I'm just not sure that's possible.'

'I love you for who you are.' I shake my head at her. 'Xena, I just don't know if you belong with us.'

'But I don't belong anywhere else.' Wind shifts a few strands of hair into her face. I reach up, brushing it back behind her ear.

'Do you really believe that?' My fingers linger on her face.

'I always have.' Damn it I want to kiss her, I can't seem to help myself.

'I'm just tired of fighting for my life.' I pull my hand away, but she grabs it back, clasping it between both of hers. 'It was ok before, but now I have Cle. He deserves so much better.'

'I want to give him everything. Gabrielle, I know I can be happy without fighting. I could feel it when we were…' She stops.

'But why did it take dying?'

'Because I'm stupid. I never thought I ever deserved you or your son. How can I be happy? With everything I've done in my past?'

I know this is a constant struggle with her. She can't be happy after all the destruction and the lives she took. Part of me understands, but part of me wishes she could move on beyond that. She's trapped in the past by her own hand. She has the key to get out, she just refuses to use it.


	3. Chapter 3

Mixing Up 3

We walk till the sun sets, and then we walk some more until we come to rest at a small waterfall that drops into a lagoon. I find myself sitting under the water; the pounding against my skin feels like a massage that's long overdue. The roar in my ears doesn't seem to slow the thoughts that race through my mind.

I love her.

She loves me.

I love her.

I create a mantra to drown out all the bad things. I'm not sure how long I'm here when Xena sits quietly next to me. She grasps my hand in hers, lifts my chin with her other hand. Our eyes meet despite the rushing water. My thoughts calm. We connect on a level beyond my understanding, and possibly beyond anything anyone's ever known.

Her fingertips hold my chin up as she leans in close, lips brush against mine. My body begins to tremble, though I'm not really cold. My hand rests on her chest; the beat of her heart is steady against my palm. It feels like it is beating to the same rhythm as mine. Her lips tease; her tongue darting out briefly each time to tickle against my skin.

I feel lightheaded; like I'm floating in the clouds and nothing can bring me down. A fire is beginning to burn deep within me and I breathe stuttering breaths as my eyes fall closed. It's been so long since I've felt this side of her. She's been so angry and so full of hatred that every kiss we've had has been full of sadness.

Her tongue flicks across my lips, traces my teeth, delves into my mouth momentarily. The kisses come and go in quick succession. There's no rush, no need to move beyond this small act between us. The connections between us are being mended. Maybe we both lost sight of the truth within all the chaos. I love her so much it makes my body ache when she's not around. Even without Cle, I think we would have found ourselves here; hearts and souls tangled together like a vine.

Xena pulls away, hand reaching for mine as she stands. I take it willingly, following her along the edge of the waterfall and back to the bank. We walk over to the furs; Xena pulls me close against her, lips against my ear.

'I love you.' Her breath is hot against my cooling skin. That's all that needs to be said as our lips find each other again. Slow, languid kisses replace the quick peppering ones. It feels like days before she pulls her lips away; forehead falling against mine. I really just want to fall into her arms right now, to be engulfed by her incredible energy.

'Where do we go from here?' My lips whisper against hers.

'Wherever you want too.' I don't even know at this point; but I do know that I want it to be the three of us together. I fall asleep in her arms, questions still swirling in my head, disturbing my dreams.

We travel the distance back home in near silence. It's not an uncomfortable one, but it is also not an easy one. I admit, I am keeping myself at somewhat of a distance. I'm afraid. The same fears I had in the beginning, before I had Cle, have come back. Xena has done nothing but prove that my misgivings are valid. But I find myself realizing one thing; I don't want her to leave.

'Gabrielle.' Her voice catches me off guard. She's behind me, as close as she can get without touching. When did that happen? Then I realize I've stopped walking altogether. The wind is shaking the trees loudly, the sky has become dark.

'Sorry.' I mumble, apologizing for holding us up.

'No.' She pauses. I feel like her hand is hovering near my shoulder, but she never puts it there. 'We should find some shelter. Looks like Zeus is in a bad mood.' My eyes shift to the sky again.

'Yeah.' I don't move, I don't know where she's expecting us to go.

'There's a village a few minutes ahead if we both get on Argo.'

'Oh yeah ok.' She mounts the horse, then thrusts her hand down to me. I grab it and I'm hoisted up onto Argo's back. As my arms wrap around her waist and I lean into her back, I become lost in the sensations the roil up inside me. The sound of hooves pound in my ears as my body rocks with each gallop.

The trip is short, and I soon find myself standing in a tiny room at an inn. Rain is beginning to fall like heavy tears from the sky. It is pounding on the roof, trying to get my attention, to distract me. As Xena strips from her gear, I watch each muscle move and ripple under her skin. Somehow I pull myself out of the fog, crawling under the covers of the one small bed.

I wait for Xena's weight to push down on the straw mattress, but it doesn't come. I can feel her presence though, standing behind me next to the bed. I can feel her eyes pressing on me, probing me for information I'm unwilling to give.

I just need to breath. Close my eyes.

Her fingers graze my shoulder, as if admiring a piece of work crafted by her hand. I can't help it, but I stop breathing until she lifts her fingertips once more. It's taking every ounce of will not to turn around and grab her in my arms. I yearn to just push everything in the past; to forget the pain and move on. I've done it before, I'm sure I can do it again.

Rolling to my back, I look up at the dark figure standing next to me. The candlelight causes shadows to dance across her face. Reaching out, I take her hand in mine and gently urge her down. She hesitates a moment, struggling with her own thoughts as to what to do. It takes a moment, but she gives in; her body coming to rest half on top of me, half off. She brushes hair off my forehead, her eyes glistening when she looks at me.

Words are elusive; fleeing from my lips each time I try to get them out. A bard with nothing to say is a pitiful thing indeed. But then again, I haven't been a bard in a very long time.

Her fingers trace over my lips; they are dried and cracked but she doesn't seem to care. All I can seem to do at this moment is to stare into her eyes, which are focused on my lips. With everything that has been going on, I don't know if we ever really took the time to focus. I feel like weeping for all the moments like this that we could have had, but were lost in the chaos.

'Xena?' I grasp her fingers, kissing them before pulling them away from my mouth. 'Is this the way it will always be?' I wasn't going to ask this when I started.

'I don't know.' The answer is a sad, uncertain sigh. The back of my fingers wash across her cheek. She's afraid, and she's showing it.

'Sometimes I lose faith. Not in you, in myself; how much I can handle before I give up. But I'm always willing to jumpy in after you; I never have to be pushed.' Her eyes shift away from me, as if ashamed.

'You are the only person in my life who has ever done that.' A strangled whisper.

'You're my soulmate.' I'm not sure if I've ever said this out loud before, or even thought it out to myself. It feels like a fact I've known since before I first met her. She looks at me, slightly startled. 'We're both only human Xena. The God's inflicted their flaws upon us, then play with us like children's toys.' The shock in her eyes starts to drift away. 'I only know that I can't leave you. I may struggle with the things you do, but I can never give up on you. If I did that, I would also be giving up on myself. You are so much a part of me, that without you…..my lungs would stop working….my heart refuse to beat.' She leans down, her lips falling upon mine.

I'm ready to feel her melt on me.


	4. Chapter 4

Mixing Up 4

My heart feels like it's on fire; the pain nearly overwhelming all other senses. It's not because I'm sad, but because I feel so intensely that my body can't seem to handle it. How do I express it, how do I let it out? A touch, a kiss? It's just not enough. I want to cry.

'Gabrielle.' She's whispering my name as her lips caress my skin. Her hands trail up and down my thighs as her hair tickles my stomach. I wrap my legs around her waist, and despite her strength I manage to flip us. For a moment I kneel above her, our eyes meeting and speaking words our mouths can't seem to let go of.

She snakes her hand up my chest and behind my neck. I let her draw me down, our lips dancing with each other. She sits up, once again my legs wrap around her waist, my arms around her neck. Slowly, she draws my top off, lips caressing the exposed skin between my breasts. My hands tangle in her hair, my head falls back as I gasp.

There were times when I was searching for something beyond myself, something I thought I was missing. But Xena I think has become my refuge, and it took me so long to realize that. As we sit here, tangled together in body and soul, I feel that piece I thought I was missing.

Grabbing the hem of her slip, I pull, ripping it from her body. Our mouths meet hungrily, tongues clashing as our skin presses together. I'm gripping her head between my hands, refusing to let her lips wander anywhere. My need is insatiable, unstoppable. Finally I pull away; kissing down her neck, my hands wandering across her back.

She moans. God's when she moans…..

Then I feel her lips wrap around my nipple and I can't focus anymore. Her tongue flicks as she sucks on my skin, a million sensations surging through my body. She lays me back down, whispering against my skin as if saying a prayer. In moments she's searching for that spot between my legs, but I can't let her accomplish her task. Again we flip; Xena's enjoying this tussle we continue to have. Her lips curl into a smile even as she gasps my name.

Me first.

I'm down between her legs, and Xena has no intention of stopping me. I breath in, intoxicated by her smell, the softness of her thighs against my cheeks. My tongue begins a gently exploration, sliding into her warmth as her legs squeeze against me. Nothing on earth tastes like Xena does, and it always amazes me. I'm lost in her, in the fact my tongue has her squirming under me. It takes little effort to make her body seize and to scream my name. In moments she's returning the favor, my body going taught as a strangled moan leaves my lips.

We're tangled together, chests heaving as we both gasp for air. The air has grown hot around us, sticky with our sweat. Xena rolls off me and onto her back. We're both lying here, staring up at the ceiling of our tiny room.

'I would do anything for you.' She whispers to the roof.

'I know.' No, not everything, but maybe just enough.

'You are the key that keeps my demons chained down.'

'No, Xena, that's all you.' She rolls to her side, eyes wide with desperation.

'No Gabrielle, it's you.' I turn my head, looking at a woman who is pleading with me. 'I don't need anything in my life but you.' I reach up, smoothing down her frazzled hair.

'But that's not true.' I wish it was. I watch a tear form in her eye and try to wipe it away before it can fall.

'How can I make you believe?' Maybe she can, by this simple act of being weak. I roll to my side, allowing my forehead to touch hers. She wraps her arms around me as we both close our eyes. 'I love you.' Somehow I'm always amazed when these words breach her lips. It's the way she says it that I know she means nothing less.

'Can we at least stop fighting, just for a little while.'

'We never have to fight again.'

Sigh. I draw my head back, looking her in the eyes.

'Xena, you are a warrior. People need you. I don't expect you to stop fighting, I'm just hoping for a break. That's all.' She nods silently, lips pressing together as she tries to swallow her emotions. I wait for her to argue, to say anything more; but she doesn't. I let my head fall back to hers; our breath mingling as we lie her silently, wrapped in each other.

I feel a weight lifting, though not all my worries are gone, I feel that maybe we can start again. Always starting again. I guess that's a side effect of dying and coming back. Or even all those near death experiences we had; somehow it always brought a new perspective, a cleaner slate.

As I feel myself drift off to sleep, I can feel the smiling growing on my lips. I've sacrificed a lot to make sure she came back a whole person, and I guess in a way I've accomplished that. Maybe we can be left alone for just a little while; pretend that the world we live in isn't that bad.

Her lips touch my forehead as she pulls me in closer. There is no one's arms in which I'd rather be in more.


End file.
